So why was she at my clinic? As she sank into a comfortable chair and began to explain her problem, her demeanor underwent a transformation. Her shoulders began to slump, her voice wavered, her knees shook, and her fingers began twisting around each other as she talked. Her entire confident manner crumbled before my eyes as she “confessed” that it was all fake; all of her successes were built on luck, she explained, and she was actually really bad at her job.

While she had managed to pull the wool over the eyes of her colleagues and bosses for many years, she was sure they would uncover her secret soon. She stood to lose everything, but that wasn’t even the biggest problem; the greater issue was that she was struggling to live with being a “fake”—she felt that she should quit her job before she was exposed and go and do something more suited to her real abilities. It would mean less money and fewer perks, but at least she would be being honest with herself.

Welcome to the world of Imposter Syndrome. It is a secret world, inhabited by successful people from all walks of life who have one thing in common—they believe that they are not really good enough. They might be men or women, young or old. And imposter beliefs are not always related to work; I have met “imposters” who feel they are not good enough parents, husbands, wives, friends, or even not good enough human beings. These are all variations of Imposter Syndrome, especially when there is little objective evidence to support the sufferers’ firmly held beliefs that they are frauds.

So, what Is Imposter Syndrome?

The term “Imposter Syndrome” or “Imposter Phenomenon” was first coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes in a paper entitled “The Imposter Phenomenon in High-Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention.”

The condition was described as being “an internal experience of intellectual phonies” that afflicted some high-achieving women. In their paper, Clance and Imes described their sample group of 150 women as follows: “Despite their earned degrees, scholastic honors, high achievement on standardized tests, praise and professional recognition from colleagues and respected authorities… [they] do not experience an internal sense of success. They consider themselves to be ‘imposters.’” Clance and Imes go on to explain that these women believe they have achieved their success due only to errors in selection processes, or because someone has overestimated their abilities, or that it is due to some other external source.

Clance and Imes claim that there are three defining characteristics of IS: » The belief that others have an inflated view of your abilities or skills
» The fear that you will be found out and exposed as a fake
» The persistent attribution of success to external factors, such as luck or an extraordinary level of hard work.

Do you have Imposter Syndrome?

By now you may have recognized some of the signs and symptoms of IS in yourself. It is likely that most of us will have some of the symptoms outlined above, but that does not mean we have IS. In fact, we should remember at this point that Imposter Syndrome is not a recognized mental health condition as such and thus there are no standardized professional criteria for having it.

However, below is a self-assessment quiz that I devised to give you some idea whether any signs and symptoms you have might be enough to qualify you as having IS. This quiz is based on the common symptoms outlined above and is not meant to be a diagnostic mental health tool, but rather a quick and simple way to ascertain the degree to which you feel like you are an imposter.

How easy do you find it to accept praise?

When you do something well, how likely are you to dismiss it as not really much (e.g., it was easy, anyone could have done that, it was nothing special)

When you do something well, how likely are you to attribute your success to luck?

When you do something less well, how likely are you to attribute your failure to luck?

When you perform poorly, or fail, how likely are you to attribute your failure to your own lack of skill or not working hard enough?

When you do something well how likely are you to attribute your success to other people’s input (“they helped me”)?

When you do something poorly how likely are you to attribute your failure to other people (“it was their fault”)?

How important is it for you to be the best at something that matters to you?

How important is success for you?

How likely are you to focus on what you have not done well compared to what you have done well?

How important is it to you to find a “hero” to befriend and impress?

How often do you feel afraid to express your views lest people discover your lack of knowledge?

How often do you find yourself unable to start a project for fear of failing?

How often do you find yourself unwilling to finish a project because it isn’t yet good enough?

How happy are you to live with a piece of work you have done that you know isn’t perfect?

How often do you find yourself thinking that you are a fraud?

How worried are you that your lack of skill/talent/ability will be discovered?

How important is validation from others (e.g., praise) to you?

How to score

The score range is 18–72 and the lower the score, the MORE likely you are to suffer from IS.

As a rough guide, scores lower than 36 probably indicate that you have some element of IS.

Dr. Sandi Mann is a psychologist, university lecturer, and director of the MindTraining Clinic in Manchester, England, where much of her material for this book is derived. She is author of more than 20 psychology books, her most recent being The Science of Boredom. She has also written and researched extensively about emotional faking, culminating in her book Hiding What We Feel, Faking What We Do.

THEO is a self-described collective group of 12 archangelic beings that have channeled via Sheila Gillette since she had a near-death experience in 1969. The idea dawned to have an experience of conversing with Sheila-THEO to ask predictions for 2020—a personal first for this interviewer. Sheila and her husband Marcus called from their Arizona home. Some normal introductions ensued, followed by Sheila invoking THEO. Then her voice timber and syntax made a startling change to something sci-fi robotic but esoterically peaceful. With prediction questions ranging from the presidential elections and impeachment hearings to climate change, the responses were consistently educative and optimistic—presumably boding well for the new decade. We shall see.

Common Ground: Wow! This is an unusual and unprecedented Q&A but here goes. What does it mean to communicate with angelic entities? With whom are we speaking?

THEO: You are speaking to a collective group of 12 archangelic beings, collectively known as THEO. We do not identify singularly, for it is the message that is of impor, not the messenger.

Moments ago I was speaking with Sheila, now it is a completely different voice and energy.

Yes. By agreement we utilize this physicality to bring a message forth of the consciousness shift that is occurring on planet Earth now. So, by this agreement, by The Sheila, we are utilizing her vocal chords to have the ability to speak and to share that message.

What do you say to cynical readers who may roll their eyes about such a premise?

They have not experienced it for themselves. Understand this—all beings are connected to higher self, Source… and even those who think there is nothing more than human experience would be quite surprised when they leave their bodies, for it is to understand that there is far more connectivity energetically around your world than you can imagine. And it is here that we are mentors, guides, supporters for the human experience. That is why we have come.

What significant changes or trends do you foresee in 2020?

We have been speaking about these changes for more than four decades. The 5th dimensionary energy fully in place about the earth now has been evolving at a frequency level for over a hundred years, fully culminated and aligned energetically in the year 2012. Now moving into 2020, what is predicted, as you are asking, is this chaos that is seen in the world will come to completion. Political changes are coming rapidly throughout the world, not only in the country where you live, and economic changes, a global connectivity…The frequency and vibrations are so high that the consciousness is shifting to meet it.

A good time for collective spiritual growth?

Yes, that is what it is all about, for you do not put your soul in your closet before you go to work. Everything that you do is spiritual.

Yet there is so much apprehension, a gathering storm, divisiveness and war.

That is correct. That is how it has been and that has been the paradigm of human experience, hasn’t it? If you are paying attention to the different areas of the world, people are standing up and saying, “No, there is going to be change.” The old paradigm of being in the world is up-leveling and changing by the demands of the people.

Do we have free will or is it all predestined?

You have free will. Your will is the most powerful thing you have. That is your soul’s essence. For you are deciding everything for your life, nothing else is. You choose to be incarnate. Nobody forced you to get in a body. In fact, it is miraculous that you are in one. It is a gift, ultimately. So, the soul decides. Know that the law of attraction or manifestation is always working. It is energy. It is around you all the time. Thoughts are things. Words are things. So be mindful of how you think and speak of yourself and about yourself, for this can change what you have in your life. For what you have been thinking now has drawn energetically to you.

The quantum field has no decision or discernment about what you are thinking, that what you want is good or bad. It is just acting energetically. It is like the energy of electricity or the law of electricity. It is all around you. It has always been there. It took an innovative mind to know how to harness it and make it useful but know it has always existed. It is around you now as we speak. That energy of manifestation is the same. It is energy that is always working.

How do you project 2020 in terms of the fight against global warming?

It will win. This war against global warming will win because of education and knowledge and action, but it is important to know what is happening in the world. That is why we are saying, ”Do not sit on the side.” Be as active as you can. If each person did what they could do, large or small, changes would be significant. It is not to ignore it or to say, “They will take care of it.” No. It is consciousness. It is education. It is knowledge. Recognize the goodness that is coming into the world, the changes of industry that are coming in a positive way for this world. There are many things: New jobs. Things that people can innovate and bring forward.

Are you saying that polarization has hit a peak and going to a better direction?

It will, but understand this—you have the power to make this change. All of you do. Standing at the sidelines and complaining about it does not assist and does not make change. Take the action you can take, for that is important. Speak your voice. If that is in a vote, do it that way. Do not let others decide for you. If you give your power away, then there is no excuse. Is there? You are much more powerful than you think you are.

Of course, the question on everybody’s lips is, “Who is going to win the U.S. presidential election?”

You are asking for that prediction. In the last one, we predicted the woman, Clinton, and she did win the majority of votes, did she not? It is the structure politically that skewed who won. This must be changed if all votes are to be counted. This is in the country where you live. Other countries have their own problems. But you ask that your voices be heard and do away with antiquated systems that no longer work for the goodness of all. So we will not predict, but we see a change that will happen governmentally that is necessary in your country.

Can you predict the outcome of the impeachment hearings?

We see there will be removal; however, each person must pay attention to what is going on. Many say they do not want to hear it and put their heads in the sand, but you are an integral part if you are living in the country. It is like living with the family. It is true in your cities, your countries, your world. So, it is important to note that yes, with the impeachment there have been things that have been done publicly, but just because they are done publicly does not mean they are right. There is much that has been undermined in your government and your rules, and without rules there is an upheaval, and that is what you are beginning to experience in this division between you. You are one people of the world. Stand for each and every one of you in that sense of love and non-judgment. You know not what the heart is of another or their lessons to learn or what is happening in their lives, or they you. So, to sit in judgment of each other is improper. It is against each other. You are collaborative, not competitive.

What recommendations can you give to readers?

Yes. Do not sit on the sidelines of life. Be a participant. Whatever you do, say, “My voice was heard. I used my energy in the direction of what is right for my family and my brothers and sisters in humanity.” Trust your knowing. You all know the truth. You all have a resonance with core values. What are yours? Be aware of your core values. What is important to you? For that is what drives your life and your experiences and what manifests in your life. Pay attention to how you think. It is good to think all the good thoughts, but what is the second thought? Most often, it is a thought that you are not worthy of the dream and desire you just thought of. Change that ay of thinking and you change your world and you change the world for others in a positive way.

Thank you.

You are complete with your asking. We are appreciative of the opportunity to be of assistance. We are complete for this moment. God’s love unto you.

Rob Sidon is publisher and editor-in-chief of
Common Ground.

For many years, hunters, animal trainers, horse riders, naturalists, and pet owners have reported kinds of perceptiveness in animals that suggest the existence of unexplained powers. Telepathy—picking up needs or intentions at a distance from a closely bonded member of the social group—is a major type of unexplained intuitive ability that suggests the existence of powers, senses, or fields that are not yet accepted within institutional science.

Many dogs, cats, parrots, and other companion animals seem to be able to pick up their owners’ thoughts and intentions, even at a distance. People’s intentions, calls, and commands affect their animals, and the animals’ needs and emotions affect people. In random household surveys many pet owners said that their animals were sometimes telepathic with them: Forty eight percent of dog owners and 33 percent of cat owners said that their pets responded to their thoughts or silent commands. Also, many horse trainers and riders believed that their horses could pick up their intentions telepathically.

The perceptiveness of pets usually depends on a combination of influences including body language, familiar words, tones of voice, deviations from routine, and telepathy. Telepathic influences show up most clearly where animals pick up people’s intentions and feelings when they are miles away. In the household of a professor of ethnomusicology at the University of California at Berkeley, his wife knew when he was on the other end of the line because their silver tabby cat, Whiskins, rushed to the telephone and pawed at the receiver. “Many times he succeeds in taking it off the hook and makes appreciative meows that are clearly audible to my husband at the other end,” she said. “If someone else telephones, Whiskins takes no notice.” he cat responded even when her husband called home from field trips in Africa or South America at unpredictable times.

The most convincing evidence for telepathy between people and animals comes from the study of dogs that know when their owners are coming home. My colleague Pam Smart and I carried out many videotaped experiments in which the owners went at least five miles from home and returned at non-routine times that we selected at random, traveling in unfamiliar vehicles. The filmed records showed that dogs anticipated their owners’ arrivals long before they arrived home, in a way that could not be explained in terms of routine or normal sensory clues. This anticipatory behaviour is common. Many dog owners simply take it for granted, without reflecting on its wider implications. Some of the most dramatic examples of telepathic links occur when people have accidents or die when they are far away from their homes. My database contains 140 accounts of the reaction of dogs to the death of an absent person to whom they were attached. In most cases, the dogs howled for no apparent reason, but some whimpered or whined, or barked in an unusual way. In cases where no sounds were mentioned, they were said to be upset, miserable, shivering, terrified, or distressed.

In most cases the animals showed clear signs of distress at unexpected times when their people were far away, and when those looking after them had no reason to expect any problem.

A couple from St. Albans in England was on holiday in Ireland when the husband suddenly died: “Our seven-year-old standard poodle was staying with friends in St. Albans. At just after midnight, the poodle howled and rushed upstairs to my friend, who was in the bath. At just after midnight, my husband died.”

On my database there are more than sixty accounts of cats behaving unusually when their owners died when away from home. On one occasion, tomcat belonging to a family in Switzerland was very attached to their son, who went away to work as a ship’s cook. He came home irregularly, and the cat used to wait for him at the door before he arrived. One day, the cat sat at he door and meowed very sadly. “We could not get him away from the door,” wrote the boy’s father. “Finally we let him into our son’s room, where he sniffed at everything but still continued his wailing. Two days after the cat’s strange behaviour we were informed that our son had died at exactly that time on his voyage, in Thailand.”

These telepathic connections between companion animals and people are usually related to the strength of the bond between them. The love and affection between them does not necessarily imply a spiritual dimension, just as our relationships with other people may not have an explicitly spiritual aspect. But in the same way as this greater spiritual reality can shine through human relationships, so it can in our relationship with animals.

Many animals have better developed psychic abilities than most humans. They are not in themselves spiritual, if we take the spiritual to involve a link to a higher mind or consciousness. But linking with animals is a spiritual practice to the extent that it helps to make us more aware that there is a conscious dimension to the world that we share with other species.

Dr. Rupert Sheldrake is a renowned biologist who after studying at Cambridge and Harvard lived in a Benedictine ashram and is a current fellow at the Noetic Institute in Petaluma, CA. He is author of more than 90 technical papers and 14 books, including Ways to Go Beyond and Why They Work by Monkfish Publishing, from which this essay was adapted.

MonkfishPublishing.com

Acouple summers ago, I turned to my husband Eric and said, “How about we downsize and move into a tiny home?” After living in Marin County for more than six years, spending $108,000 in rent, and being outbid three times trying to purchase land, we were motivated to investigate alternatives.

Henry David Thoreau, who wrote Walden in 1854, is sometimes mentioned as the forefather of the tiny-home movement. Other early pioneers include Lloyd Kahn, author of Shelter (1973), Lester Walker, author of Tiny Houses (1987), and Sarah Susanka, who wrote The Not So Big House (1997).

A tiny house is generally considered to be under 400 square feet (though some are as small as 80 square feet)—and portable. Tiny houses, as distinguished from recreational vehicles (RVs), are designed to be sturdier and to last longer. Whereas RVs (motorhomes) are built with light materials designed for mobility and temporary living, tiny homes simulate long lasting classic homes with square windows, slanted roofs, and siding, etc. Tiny houses are considerably heavier than RVs even though they do not contain an engine. In comparison to traditional homebuilding, tiny homes require only 10-12 weeks to complete and are very customizable.

Why are tiny homes becoming so popular? With housing prices on the rise and income levels not keeping up with the rising cost of housing, renters and owners are feeling the pinch. Many homeowners and renters are paying more than 30% of their income for housing—a kind of hamster wheel that doesn’t leave many options for travel, saving for retirement, or sending kids to college.

As the United States finds itself in the throes of an affordable housing crisis, the go-smaller tiny home counter movement offers a viable sustainable alternative. There are TV shows responding to the popularity of the trend, such as “Tiny House Nation,” “Tiny Luxury,” and “Tiny House Hunters.” On YouTube the “Living Big in a Tiny House” channel reaches more than 2.3 million subscribers and beautifully shares the ways people are getting tiny.

Clearly one of the biggest barriers to going tiny is finding a legal place to park. City and county zoning ordinances have not kept up with the trend, but that is changing. In 2017, California passed the Accessory Dwelling Unit (ADU) ordinance allowing single-family homeowners to build a detached building on their property where space allows. And while ADUs generally include only fixed living buildings—cottages, in-law units, or granny flats—mobile tiny houses and homes on wheels are excluded.

Fresno became the first California city to amend its ADU ordinance to allow “moveable tiny houses.” San Luis Obispo, which is confronting its own affordable housing crunch, followed suit in 2019. The City of Los Angeles just approved moveable tiny houses as ADUs, and San Diego is expected to follow suit.

For Eric and me the path of downsizing our life forced us to make some hard choices about how many physical things or cherished hobbies had to go in order to fit life into our 300-square-foot home. And while we live in a
showcase tiny home, the exercise has taught us to be disciplined and adhere to the mantra “A place for everything and everything in its place.” When a possession fails to find its place, it gets fast-tracked into the “Go” box.

We love and advocate for this lifestyle, having traveled 6,000 miles on the open road including visits to many tiny house festivals that bring together builders, suppliers, designers, certifiers, lenders, and enthusiasts. We’ve
showed our home to more than 7,000 people and may have seen some Common Ground readers at the recent Bioneers Conference at the Marin County fairgrounds.

So I say join the tiny-home revolution. Consider reducing your clutter. Take a tour of a tiny home. For Eric and me it feels like we’re just starting to deepen into what this tinyhome lifestyle is all about—freedom while reducing our footprint.

Lindsay Wood is co-founder of Experience Tiny Homes, a tiny home design consulting firm that specializes in guiding people through a six-step framework that results in Dream Tiny Home concept designs.

ExperienceTinyHomes.org

And yet in the very same moment, I felt a great joy—the joy of being alive to witness such a moment. Such sacredness in this pain, such holiness in this most profound loss! I was broken, yet I was whole. In the depths of the mess of the moment, in this dark underworld of death, there was such ferocious light, such blinding love. When we are awake and no longer numb, we can open our hearts to all these paradoxes, and let go of ever resolving them. We enter life and are entered in return. We know less and we feel more. We break more deeply and more light breaks through. We are more transparent, more supple. We are beginners again, newcomers in the Garden of Eden, eyes wide open and full of wonder.

I sense that the old spirituality is crumbling. The sad patriarchal spirituality that suppressed the feminine, shamed the body—its feelings and its mortality—frowned upon our sexuality and our longings, and tried to numb our deepest questions and urges to protect the image of “the calm, peaceful one,” or worse, “the invulnerable, untouchable one,” or even worse, “the pain-free superhuman.” A spirituality that wanted to eradicate our anger, and tried to liberate us from our sadness, fear, and doubts, so we could be pure and enlightened and “free.”

Something new is emerging now: a spirituality that actually embraces our humanity in all its mess and its longings, its ecstasy and its bliss, its intense pleasure and its outrageous pain.

A spirituality that does not seek to eradicate our weirdness and our wildness, our humor and our originality and our broken, tender hearts…but renders it all so damn holy, and finds freedom in the midst of it. A spirituality in which there are no “experts,” no gurus in the old sense, no special states to attain, no “finish lines.” Just vulnerable human beings, falling in love with “what is,” drenching our ordinary moments with curiosity.

Spirit is not separate from flesh. The ocean is undivided from her myriad waves. The sky is in love with the sloppiest mud. The artist adores and needs his dark colors as much as his light ones, and the great canvas holds it all. Spiritual enlightenment is nothing if it is not warm and wild and sticky and gooey and human; if it does not allow and honor the full range of deep human feeling, from despair to ecstasy, from the most brilliant clarity to the most profound confusion. Nonduality is nothing if it is not a tantric love affair with this glorious, artistic mess of duality. Awareness is nothing if it is not radically in love with every form—every thought, sensation, sound, and smell, every wave of anger, fear, and sorrow—that arises and falls on its astonishing canvas.

We are not simply “Pure Awareness”—no, we are sex and dirt and longing too. We are blood and guts and passion. We are wildness and we are fire.

We are gods, and we are so very fragile—heartbroken gods, gods who ache, imperfect gods. We are invulnerable, untouchable, indestructible, and yet we can sometimes feel the world’s pain as our own. We live so close to life, so close to death, so close to tears, so close to joy, in every single moment.

Close to the heavens, close to the mud, close to insanity, close to the breath. We bleed sometimes. We feel exhausted sometimes. Sometimes we just need a brother or sister to hold us. Sometimes we tire of being “the spiritual one,” “the one who knows,” “the expert,” “the enlightened one,” “the good and compassionate one.”

Sometimes we just need to fall to our knees in humility and ask the universe for support and guidance. Sometimes we just need to weep until our tear ducts run dry. Sometimes we need to curse and rage at the sky and forget what it means to be “spiritual.” Sometimes, that’s how healing happens. When we give up trying and give ourselves permission to break open and make a mess and fall, and we let the ground hold us, and we remember, It’s all okay, it’s all so fucking okay. We are full of paradoxes.

Penetrated by mystery.
The age of gurus and disciples may be over.

The age of experts and their clever mind-made answers may be coming to an end. Let the birdsong be the guru now, the morning traffic, the touch of a friend, the tingle in the belly, your four-year-old niece giggling at pigeons and melted ice cream, your sweet father taking his final breath in the last light of the evening. Saying good-bye to a friend after a sweet day of conversation and comfortable silence, not knowing when—or if—you will meet again. A sorrow, a yearning, a joy or an emptiness that just longs to be felt. The dawn and the sunrise. The ocean and the light. Life, life, life. Let the holy books dissolve into a fresh new moment. Let us bow to the ordinary now, prostrate ourselves before it.

Here. Here. Be a disciple of this: the unspeakable feeling of the breath rising and falling. The heart pounding in the chest. An airplane roaring in the distance. The magical weight of the physical body as gravity pulls it down toward the earth’s core. The aliveness in the toes, the hands, the throat, the sexual organs. The pressure in the head, the yearning and the expectancy of the dear heart, and this wonderful sense of being alive, prior to words, prior to all the teachings of the world.

There are no experts, here where you are. There is only a single living question, the question that is meditation itself—unanswerable, yet complete and beautiful in its absolute unresolvability: What is life?

Jeff Foster studied astrophysics before becoming a spiritual teacher. This essay was adapted from On the Mystery of Being, edited by Zaya and Maurizio Benazzo, the founders of the SAND Conference. ScienceAndNonDuality.com

This is not about the 2004 teen movie Mean Girls, and it’s not about teen bullying. It’s about me and you and us: adult women trying to live a good life—and evolve ourselves and the culture along the way. What does the yoga tradition offer to navigate our mean girl realities?

While some experts call it “relational aggression” or “social torment,” most women know from experience what mean girl behavior is, and how we feel when we’re the target. Mean teens harass or ostracize their victims, spread rumors, cyberbully, manipulate, or make hurtful comments—all to inflict pain and real psychological harm. The targeted girl(s) may have no understanding of why they are being targeted and see no way out of the situation.

Sound familiar from your youth? Ugh. Blatant or subtle, it’s a miserable experience. Unfortunately, we haven’t all outgrown our mean girl tendencies. In the adult world, mean girls show up in the workplace, community projects, neighbor dynamics, families, social situations, and, yes, “spiritual” circles. Everywhere. In adult form, mean girl behavior is usually more disguised, and there’s no parent or teacher to help shut it down. It’s not limited to women, of course. However, the competitive dynamics among women have their own roots and rhythms. And we as women have the power to end it.

One definition of an adult mean girl: She uses directly aggressive or passive-aggressive tactics to hurt, shame, humiliate, ostracize, or outmaneuver other women—to inflict harm and fear, gain advantage or make herself look better. She cultivates an aura of power and spreads fear so others will defer to her. At work, she deliberately leaves you out of important meetings or information flows. She undermines you in the eyes of your boss or clients. She is locked into a sense of competition with you. She intends to win.

Before we heap our frustration and shame on the most obvious mean girls in our circles, let’s be honest. We all carry a dose of mean girl instinct in our psyches. We all feel the occasional tug of the evil-minded demon who can dish it out with no thought to the damage…an instinct to fight back when we feel wronged or insecure. Even if we don’t voice our critiques or take mean girl actions, we are conditioned to notice the appearance, attitudes, and actions of other women. They are our standard and the standard to which we are compared. Too often we are more critical of another woman than we would be of a man in the same situation. There are so many layers and factors in this—more than can be sorted out here.

What can we do about the mean girls we encounter now? Obviously we can and must choose our close friends and confidantes wisely. For the most part we can ignore low-level mean girl behavior—not let it get to us. We can see it as a reminder to strengthen our own selfrespect and confidence, to stay focused on our own goals and actions. We can also take the opportunity to consider our own behavior on the mean girl spectrum.

What can each of us do to quiet the mean girl demon within us?

One antidote from the yoga tradition is the teaching on four aspects of love, which I taught in my yoga classes—usually around Valentine’s Day when our culture surrenders to obsession with storybook romantic love. These four aspects of love help strengthen and purify our hearts—and can bring our actions in line with our aspirations. They can also dissolve some of the mean girl energy in people around us.

First, maitri refers to friendliness, loving kindness, respect. The opposite? Fake friendliness, insincere compliments, reflexive “You go girl!” encouragement—whether or not that is honest, wise, or helpful. Maitri is an easy starting point to practice. Is our friendliness toward this other woman completely genuine? Are we fully supportive of a woman who wants what we want—that promotion, that lover, that spot in the limelight?

Second, karuna refers to compassion, willingness to feel what another person is feeling. Can we distinguish true compassion and “feeling with” another person from “feeling sorry for” another? Is there arrogance or avoidance creeping in? Are we prone to giving quick advice, sometimes with a small unconscious blade of sabotage—since her success threatens our own excuses? Karuna protects us from retaliating when we feel harmed, because in “feeing with” we remember that everyone is doing the best they can, and so we more easily forgive. That strengthens any true friendship.

Third, mundita is joy in the joy of others. It’s strong medicine for envy, jealousy, sabotage. Mundita is great fun to practice. What a joy it is to fully feel the joy in the joy of another person! To yippee with a friend or neighbor or colleague. To delight in her good fortune or the fruits of her efforts.

Fourth, upeksha is spacious, all-encompassing love—big enough to contain the foibles and failings of ourselves and others. Upeksha is all-inclusive: There is no in-crowd… no outsiders, no outcasts. Upeksha is like the sun, like a perfect blue-sky day. Everyone is included, equally. When we explore upeksha, we realize we have no need of gossip—of bonding with others by judging another. We don’t have the desire to exclude anyone from our hearts.

Given our wild, strong hearts, the mean girls around us and inside us don’t stand a chance!

Carolyn Brown periodically writes for Common Ground and is an artist and activist rooted in the Wild West. EarthBodyAlive.com

Mastered by the concubines of China’s emperors 2,000 years ago as a Taoist bedroom practice, the art of the jade egg or the yoni egg is being activated by an increasing number of women. Carved into an ovoid shape designed to be inserted and held inside the vagina, yoni eggs invigorate the tone of the vaginal walls to amplify feminine health, direct chi upward, and promote overall youthful vigor. Legend says that concubines would exercise with the eggs until their vaginal muscles could pull on an egg threaded with a gold wire attached to the throne—and break the wire. At that stage of mastery they were deemed ready for the emperor—able to give him maximum pleasure while helping him control his ejaculation beyond the point of no return.

While the idea of bearing a polished stone in our vagina may seem unusual, the tradition has been adopted for modern life with increasing numbers of millennials, young moms, and menopausal women having tried it and reaped benefits. In France, where I live, yoni eggs have become a new tendance [fashion] as their use generates an inside glow that is worn on the outside. The eggs are helping my compatriots connect to their feminine core, which exudes that magnetic Je ne sais quoi aura.

What is the yoni? The term comes from Sanskrit and describes more than just the outer part of female sex organs. Universally speaking, the yoni is the seat of feminine creative force and energy—the temple of an inner wisdom. Sadly, at this time in America women are experiencing an epidemic of sexual anorexia. As many as 62.5 million American women report feeling erotically unexpressed. The yoni egg practice provides an old-fashioned natural remedy. Over centuries women have revealed that it has helped them liberate stuck memories, unhealthy energies, and outright traumas painfully stored in this sacred part of the body.

Have you talked to your yoni yet? I sincerely urge you to have a conversation. Ask her what she truly wants. Ask her if she’s okay with the life you are living. Ask, “What type of partners would you prefer? What positions?” There is fundamental wisdom in the yoni; tap into it.

Selecting your yoni egg To choose your yoni egg first set your intention. Buy it from a trustworthy vendor and let your heart and intuition guide you. Ladies, size matters here! At the beginning of your regimen, it is recommended you use a pierced egg with a cotton string for better control. Large eggs are recommended for novices and women who have gone through natural childbirth or whose perinea are looser. Medium-size eggs will fit most sexually active women. Small eggs are recommended for women who have experienced sexual traumas, perhaps resulting in an overly tight vagina. When you master the art of the yoni egg and are able to control internal movements, you will be able to use the small one with small weights attached.

Follow your intuition to select the color and stone that attract you. The stone you choose will help accelerate your evolutionary process. Start with a rose quartz egg if you are looking for self-love, or a smoky quartz egg if you feel overwhelmed. My favorite egg is made of carnelian, a brownish red mineral, as it supports me with loving and joyful energy.

Some will feel a lot of emotions when first holding the stone and inserting it. We each have to discover our own timing depending on our past and lineage. My advice is don’t rush. Explore step by step where the stone takes you. Start using the egg in loving spaces, on your own. Always wash it before. Light a candle, massage yourself. Then insert the egg. Most likely you won’t feel it inside. After the first time it should be able to stay inside when you are standing up; otherwise try lying down. Feel it moving up and down. Start in your bedroom. Then try dancing with it in your house, during meditation, at work. Wear it on a date!

Your practice will evolve with many variations including rituals for the bath, with mirrors, using incantations, in women’s circles, while making love, and much more. For those who practice yoga and meditation or take soulful nature walks, try these with the yoni egg. You will discover an improved sense of presence.

As you discover the power of yoni eggs you will find that some heal, others relax. Some are there to support your sexuality, menopause, or menstrual pains. They easily support younger women to know their own bodies and their sexuality. Of course, for couples it is exciting as libido improves and orgasms go through the roof.

Passing on this information to other women is important. We are rapidly evolving into a more holistic view of ourselves, experiencing our gifts and talents, to support humanity’s evolution at this precious historical juncture.
In the big picture healing our yonis goes beyond just a blossoming personal sex life and magnetism—that is just the start. If the yoni is the seat of creation doesn’t it make sense that we women must heal and release our past stuck traumas and emotions there? Ultimately this will improve our capacity to fulfill our individual and collective dharma—and improve our capacity to become effective stewards of Mother Earth.

Lilou Macé is a French-American author, speaker, and interviewer. Her new book The Yoni Egg: Reveal and Release the Sacred Feminine Within is published by Inner Traditions. InnerTraditions.com. LilouMace.com

A Primer for Cis People

One of my neighbors is a 7-year-old girl. She was born with a penis, but she always knew something else was going on. If you saw her playing with her girlfriends in the street, wearing a dress with her hair in a ponytail, you’d never suspect she was anything but an ordinary XX child. But that little girl has been forcing all the grownups around her—out of sheer love—to become savvier about gender. It’s happening all around—young people are
challenging everything we thought we knew about gender.

The percentage of US people identifying as trans has doubled since 2016. Partly that’s people daring to come out. The Internet has helped—young people can find each other and realize they’re not alone, or crazy, and that
their feelings mean something. According to the LGBT group GLAAD, 3% of us are trans. More and more people are asking about it. So here’s a far-from-perfect primer from a cis ally.

Sex is physiological. It refers to what genitals you have, or what chromosomes, or what hormones you’re running. More or less. The more you investigate, the more complicated it becomes. But basically, sex is based on your body.

Gender is your identity as masculine or feminine. It’s what you feel yourself to be.

Transgender people are people who were assigned to a gender when they were born (on the basis of their genitals), but who don’t identify with that gender. They may or may not identify with the other gender. Not all trans
people take hormones or opt for any kind of surgery.

Cis-gender is a term coined for people who feel their gender designation at birth to be accurate. The gender they feel inside matches the shape of their body outside.

Intergender is someone who doesn’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, but who doesn’t identify with the other either. Sometimes they’re in a process, and sometimes they’re staying right there, happy in the
ambiguity. They also refer to themselves as gender non-binary, meaning they don’t conform to the two-gender norm.

Intersex is someone whose body combines both sexes or is in between, in terms of hormones, chromosomes, and so on. There are as many intersex people in America as there are redheads.

“Queer” is a reclaimed ex-slur that serves as a catchall for non-conforming. It means someone who’s getting creative about the whole field of gender and sexuality.

A transvestite is generally a straight man who likes dressing in women’s clothing. He still knows he’s a man; he just digs wearing dresses. The term is outmoded; a more up-to-date term is cross-dresser.

Transsexual is an outmoded word for a transgender person.

“Tranny” used to be a cool reclaimed word used by trans people, but you wouldn’t use it now unless you wanted a smack in the snoot.

Pronouns are an issue. If you don’t know whether someone’s a “he” or a “she” just ask them what pronoun they go by. Some people prefer “they.” That used to be the plural, but it’s the only non-gender-specific third-person
pronoun we have in English, so get used to it. Don’t worry if you get it wrong; apologize and try again.

Trans people have always been around. Within Native American cultures, trans people are called “two-spirit” people because they carry both male and female energy. Two-spirit people transcend boundaries, including that between the earth and the spirit world. They traditionally held powerful and important roles as teachers and healers.

Recognizing trans people muddies the waters of gender. Some radical feminists reject trans women. Trans activists have branded them with a new slur: TERF (trans-exclusionary radical feminist). The left regularly tears itself into pieces warring over these issues. As a feminist for 40 years I’ve noticed that while people may be easy enough to hate in the abstract, they’re easy to love when you actually meet them. Trans people are just people.

A gender non-binary lesbian friend said she thinks that when cis women are rattled by the presence of trans women, it reflects a mentality of scarcity: None of us feel like we’re good enough as women. Wow, that rings true! Most of us feel that if we were a bit skinnier here, or a bit curvier there, or had better hair, or any number of other variables, we’d be more “feminine,” more “womanly,” more “attractive.” Why are we all competing over who’s a “real woman”?

What I’ve come to is this: I want all willing women in the sisterhood. I want my non-binary lesbian friend, and my little white girl neighbor, my fat friend who struggles so hard to fit the skinny norm, and our Black friend who let her hair go wild because to hell with racist beauty standards. I want my femmy lesbian friend and her butch wife, and my straight cis neighbors who sip Chardonnay while bitching good-naturedly about their husbands. There are many ways to be a woman. Enough for all of us.

I hope this little primer doesn’t offend you. But if it does, then you’ve just entered a huge global dialogue. The topic needs far more pages than I have here, and I have had to leave out so much. This primer was intended to help cis folks get started, and in writing it I’m grateful to trans friends and their families for many generous conversations. The vital thing is that we talk to each other and listen to each other, as cis women and trans women, as Black, brown, white, and indigenous women, as working- and middle-class women, as 7.6 billion differently embodied people. Be well.

Rachael Vaughan, MFT, is a licensed psychotherapist and an associate professor at the California Institute of Integral Studies. She is a lifelong feminist and an ally who thinks trans people should not have to do all the work of educating cis people. Her passion is inclusion.

Some people are late bloomers, some are late losers—of their innocence. And though I believe we grow and bloom when we’re ready, it took me until mid-life to lose mine, and unlike losing my virginity, which happened when I was a young teen, in the woods along the Potomac River, I lost my innocence in the desert amongst 80,000 people, connected by dust and sweat, but in a sacred temple with one.

A tall ginger boy whose turquoise eyes tracked my every curve, whose elven smile and indigo voice warmed my stone garden, whose kisses turned my world into a pastel sky, and whose hands touched my body like I was some hot and holy creature just being born.

And though his back was bent by a past of being battered by angry fists, he had cultivated a texture of attention that was tender as new green shoots. We spoke in multidimensional metaphors. We stood for hours in a house of mirrors, looking at a hundred different angles of each other’s face, and we walked out holding hands.

We carved trails in the dust with our bikes, clean curves of geometry. We led and followed each other, weaving helixes of words and silence. We met in the middle, burned the maps of our past, and rode directly into each other’s reach.

The air was hot and hungry. It seared our lungs. It magnified the light. There was no room for anything but the truth, and the truth was singing. We danced and kissed in a throng of bodies moving to rhythms and melodies that expressed everything we were feeling, and the stars burned through the night seamless as the cycle of breath; we lay down on the desert floor to dream.

Morning rose, twirling her skirts across the horizon in waves of oily silk. We wrapped each other in last night’s furs and rode out into the desert to make our prayers to the light. In the desert, the quiet is a presence. It approaches on moccasined feet, touches its palm to your chest, whispers a secret into your ear that blooms in your brain like salvation. We stood together in that desert temple and said the only thing there is to say to each other.

But a few days later, when we returned to the city, though we gave each other no promises and I knew he didn’t want commitment, he went right into the arms of another woman. And it took four conversations over the course of four hours before he told me, and only because I asked. And another hour before he told me she was coming that afternoon, and was I going be okay with that? Truthfully!? I was shocked. I yelled. I spit. Then I crumbled. I should mention he was the first man I’d even kissed in over a year.

I had come home a day early from the Yuba River feeling cleansed and shining, ready to meet him in the morning to help install our friend’s 34-foot polar bear sculpture at the SF Ferry Building. And maybe I would’ve felt differently had he been excited to see me, had he pulled me close, but he didn’t even reach to kiss me when we said hello.

Couldn’t he allow the alchemy we’d created together to echo through his being a little longer before diluting it with another? Did I feel one of the richest connections of my life all by myself? I thought he went there too. But to go right to another woman? No. He couldn’t have felt what I did. That kind of connection is magic. A rare gift that comes once or twice in a lifetime and you want to honor it and each other by allowing the seeds to root, the vibrations to hum, for as long as possible.

My whole life I’ve been tumbled by intense tides of solitude. When I do emerge from the depths of my solitary sea, if I meet a man I like and there is a connection that feeds us both like a fountain of youth, then there are no games with me; there is no cat and mouse. If I let you into my private cove, it’s because I already love you, and I don’t hold out, and I don’t hold back; I bring my wild and wounded love right to your altar, ripe as a summer peach.

But this summer in the desert, I loved a man who said he loved me too, then he turned away and made love with another. And something inside me has finally turned off or more rightly, it has finally turned on. This part of me that has always been willing to love freely, perhaps innocently, again and again, despite being burned to ash, is no longer willing. A gate in me that has always swung open eagerly is now shut and locked, combination changed. My heart has finally grown wise —with fierce protection and fiercer love.

I feel for the next man who loves me. He will have one hell of a time getting my attention, one hell of a time getting me to believe him, one hell of a time getting me to surrender the hard-earned love I’ve finally forged for myself, and he’ll have to be better than I am alone, because I am on fire!

In the forge of my will, I melt myself down. In the white-hot heat of hurt, the last embers of survival roll over in surrender. I am tempered, heated and cooled, hammered and folded, over and over, until the inside of me and the outside of me meet and merge. And through this dark catharsis, I rise, glowing with a strength and dignity that come only from giving myself wholeheartedly, and losing.

Where my heart had been broken, there is now open space. Here, a new capacity and willingness to embrace my vulnerability and claim my power as a woman, to value myself thoroughly and accept myself with deeper commitment, to rightfully guard the wellspring of my heart and body, sharpen my discernment, and understand that this derailment is not an obstacle to the path, but is the path itself.

And to love, even when I’m broken and there’s nothing left, and I want to give up on myself. But instead, I learn to sit with what hurts and not abandon myself. I go to nature, sit by the water, sleep on the earth. I grow to trust my tides of death and rebirth. I make song and poetry from my charred bones. I tattoo a feather across my scar. And finally, I pick myself back up with kindness and fire in my hands, and love again, because this is who I am.

As women, no matter our age or our agelessness, we continually grow and bloom, wither and seed. Through love and loss, we learn to trust ourselves and navigate our hearts with greater wisdom. We open and close, and open again, because we are strong and lithe, resilient and resourceful. And because love is what we do.

I heard she drank the fire. I heard she tempered her sword. I heard she sat in stillness until peace found her. I heard her heart remembered to belong. I heard she tuned her compass to a new wilderness, where each moment sings.

Meredith Heller is a performing poet and singer/songwriter with graduate degrees in writing and education. She is a CA Poet in the Schools and author of the new collection SONGLINES (Finishing Line Press). She is mused
by nature, synchronicity, and kindred souls. BonesofSynchronicity.com

Rebeca Garcia-Gonzalez was born in Puerto Rico in 1962 and moved to San Francisco to study art in 1985. While earning her living as an advertising freelancer and later as a teacher, she privately pursued her passion for portraiture. After Hurricane María devastated her homeland, she put together a Kickstarter campaign, raising $8,000, so she could fly to the island to capture portraits, which are currently on display (until Aug. 15) at the Sanchez Contemporary in Oakland. SanchezContemporary.com

Her hope is that the show will get viewers to examine the politics of representation and redefine the “pobrecito” victim narrative. The models hailed mostly from her home, the San Juan region, but also from Manatí, Loíza, and Caguas. She selected from a crosssection of sitters, many from the LGBTQ community. “Yes, the models were awaiting disability, but these portraits aim to show the strength and dignity of my people.” Rebeca lives in Richmond with her wife, Sarah. Garcia-Gonzalez.com