Despite feeling very confident, successful, and well compensated in his work life, a man told me he dreaded going home because he felt so powerless with his wife and kids. “I feel like a second-class citizen in my own house!”

He is not alone. Many men feel powerless in their relationships.

When men don’t feel powerful, they tend to do one of two things: become doormats or dicks. When they lack the ability to confidently and openly communicate what they want and need, and to remain emotionally present with what is happening with loved ones, relationships break down.

A man in “doormat” mode is hesitant and insecure, and has a hard time speaking up for himself and asking directly for what he wants and needs. He’s the classic people pleaser, the “nice guy,” or SNAG (sensitive New Age guy). As one man at a recent retreat said, “I just say ‘yes’ to whatever anyone in my family wants … and then I turn around and mutter curses under my breath.”

Doormat men often feel pushed around, undervalued, and disrespected. Attempts to get love, intimacy, or sex become underhanded and ineffectual. “Would you maybe like to … er, you know, perhaps maybe later tonight, I mean, it’s okay if you don’t, but maybe make love with me?” Men who approach their partners with this kind of tentativeness mean to be sensitive and anything but aggressive jerks, but instead produce reluctance and hesitation in their partners.

On the other end of the spectrum, there is the “dick,” or as I sometimes call him, angry man. This is a man who is overusing his power, using too much aggression, manipulation, or coercion to get what he wants. Interestingly, the angry man often feels just as powerless as the doormat. One man articulated it this way, “I’ve already decided I won’t get what I want, so when I go to ask for something, I come in yelling!”

Both the “doormat” and the angry man have legitimate needs and desires that they are trying to get met: connection, affection, respect, and belonging, to name a few. But neither end up getting what they want, and in the process cause a lot of undesirable side effects.

The unconscious under- or overuse of masculine power produces not only unhappy men, but also enormous impacts on relationships and families, as well as on the world at large. Insecure “doormat” men disappear, lose their self-worth, and become weak partners and role models. Overly aggressive men lose their self-respect and inspire fear and insecurity, and even cause emotional or bodily harm to those around them.

The cure is for men to find an openhearted, conscious way to express their masculine power, to find a way of being and acting that is beyond the “dick or doormat” options.

Although men often feel they have little power in their relationships, world-renowned relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman (et al.) state in their book The Man’s Guide to Women that men have the power to make or break relationships: “Data proves that a man’s actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship succeeds or fails.”

When men find a balanced, mature, centered way to go about getting what they need, while also taking care of the concerns of their partner and family, not only do they feel more powerful and confident as men, but their relationships and families flourish as well.

What can a man do to get started? Here are a few ideas …

» Take time to notice your feelings and desires. Then share your feelings and communicate your wants and needs honestly and directly. Men have learned to keep their emotional needs to themselves. So when you think, “It’s not important, I’ll get by, never mind,” that is precisely when you need to speak up.

» Stay present and engaged, even when things get emotionally heated or intense. Don’t check out. Shutting down in the face of your partner’s or children’s emotions is a sure way to destroy intimacy.

» Keep your promises and agreements. By doing so, you build trust and respect, in your self, in your partner and in those around you. Clean it up every time you don’t keep your agreements.

Some ideas if you are a partner to a man:

» Offer ample appreciations and affirmations of his being a good man. People who feel unseen and undervalued are people who either disappear and become invisible, or try way too aggressively to be seen. A man who knows he is valued is more apt to become a safe, loving man.

» Witness his emotions and don’t take it personally when he gets mad or stressed. Men tend to condemn themselves for having any feelings at all, so if you can offer a space of acceptance and patience, you will help reverse the shame many men feel and replace that shame with love.

» Allow him time and silence to reset. Many men need space to process their experiences. Just because he’s not talking doesn’t mean he’s not committed to working things out.

» Give points for effort. Many men have a constant feeling of working harder and harder, but never being able to win. Giving points for effort helps a man relax and reminds him he’s a good man. Men who know they are in essence good are more apt to be good men.

Unhappy, unloved, and unconscious men be come dangerous or invisible. They don’t make ideal relationship partners. It’s my sincerest conviction that a good deal of the relational problems in this world can be solved by helping men find a new way of being beyond the “dick or doormat” spectrum.

As one man said after doing some work at one of my retreats: “I’ve always felt weak and wishy-washy. I discovered I that I can be a powerful man and still be soft and vulnerable. Thankfully, I know that is what my partner wants, too.”

Christian Pedersen is a relationship specialist and certified life coach, and the author of the 1 Amazon bestseller, When You Love Your Woman. Together with his wife, Sonika, he’s the co-founder of LoveWorksforYou.com. Christian and Sonika produce and lead lifealtering weekend trainings on love, marriage, sex, communication, and dating. Find more on the Dare to Love podcast on iTunes or at loveworkspodcast.podbean.com.

BY CHRISTIAN PEDERSEN

Atech writer friend of mine casually said over lunch, “We live in the Age of Customization.” That struck me when I saw an ad for a high-tech coffee maker in a magazine. While it looked like other dripcoffee makers, this one was controllable from an app. From the convenience of my bed or from the treadmill at the gym, I could program it to have coffee ready at my whim. Not only that but I could specify precisely how long the grounds should pre-soak, the exact serving temperature, and lots more.

Up until that point I’d been happy with my morning coffee. But suddenly the knowledge that my coffee could be customized and optimized to my exact preference created a nagging doubt. Was I missing out on even better coffee?

This is the analogy of my love search in my twenties and early thirties. As a serial dater I had many short-lived relationships in my quest to find love that suited all my fancies. In the same way that the prospect of my coffee could be better made me less excited about my current coffee, so it was in my relationships. No matter how intelligent, kind, and gorgeous my partners were, I had the constant sense that there was something even better out there. I was the archetypal guy who couldn’t commit. There was only one serious drawback: At the end I was always by myself with an insatiable hunger in my heart, constantly starting over.

Today we customize the hell out of our love lives but this customizability comes with upsides and downsides. On the upside, it’s easier than ever to find compatible people. You can sift through a near-unlimited number of online potentials in minutes and possibly find a partner you would likely never have run into by chance as in the old days.

On the downside, fewer people are satisfied in relationship.

» Husbands question staying with women who want more from them than they are willing to give.

» Wives quietly seethe because their husbands won’t look at themselves, and leave in search of “a more conscious man.”

» Singles experience “profile fatigue” having to sort through hundreds of potentials without finding “the one.”

» People in newer relationships wonder why they should limit themselves to just one partner.

Customizability is ironically making us less satisfied, not more. The ease with which we can choose decreases our ability and willingness to persist and work through conflicts and challenges.

Granted, I’m colored by own journey. If I had had access to a dating app in my twenties and early thirties. I might have searched for potential partners who were close in age, college-educated, and located within a 25-mile radius. Those criteria would have immediately eliminated my wife, Sonika, who is truly the love of my life. No dating algorithm would have ever paired us as she is 15 years my senior and already had two young children, and we lived 8,500 miles apart.

Just like many of the men today, I was that guy who took all the freedoms I wanted in my intimate relationships. I explored love and sex with many different partners, yet in my search to optimize I was never fulfilled. It wasn’t until I made the choice to go deep with one person that my searching finally ceased and my heart felt at home. I’m not making the claim that this is true for everyone, but I am suggesting that for anyone in an intimate relationship, of whatever configuration, the degree of strength and commitment that goes into the relationship creates a commensurate quality of love.

If you want a relationship where you feel seen and known to the core, where there is trust and depth and honesty, then working through conflicts, disagreements, and breakdowns is a must. I’ve yet to see a truly deep and satisfying relationship that hasn’t been tested over and over again. That is what builds depth, trust, and intimacy. But the ease of customization makes it more tempting to skip the test altogether and just keep looking for other tantalizing offerings.

Someone shared this quote from Timothy J. Keller, a minister:

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

I agree. My operating theory is that only by focusing with the same person long enough to love them fully and by being daring enough to let them love you fully can you attain real depth of satisfaction. That kind of satisfaction does for the heart what a good strong cup of hot coffee does to wake one up in the morning.

So if I can impart any wisdom it would be for you to go for just that, whether you’re with your spouse of 30 years, your brand-new partner, or your first date. Go for it. Be mindful not to customize your way right out of love and skip past true deep satisfaction.

Christian Pedersen is a relationship specialist, Certified Life Coach, and author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller When You Love Your Woman. Together with his wife, Sonika, he produces life-altering weekend trainings on love, marriage, sex, communication, and dating. They are co-founders of LoveWorksforYou.com.