BY CHRIS DEAN

Lately it seems a gal can’t toss a PopTarts wrapper without it landing on the doorstep of a yoga studio. With endless choices like Hatha, Iyengar, Bikram, and Tantric, hot, cold, naked, or power, it makes you wonder if there really is a type of yoga for everyone.

The one thing I have noticed about this whole yo-splosion is that much of it seems to be aimed at the 20-something crowd. If it’s really that good for an aging body, why not forget the friggin’ hipsters and throw us over-40 crowd a bone?

Wouldn’t it be sweet if someone came up with the ultimate studio, where there are poses we can get into and out of without (much) help, in a space filled with other people who wear yoga pants because they’re comfy . . . and they expand? They could call it Lifelike Asanas: Yoga for the Middle-Aged Crowd.

1. Tree Falling in Wind Pose
   Tree Pose is for building balance and stability. For those of us who have neither, there’s Tree Falling in Wind Pose.
2. Bladder-Control Gone Pose
   Warrior 1 Pose strengthens legs and opens the chest and shoulders. It’s also good for opening up the bladder, giving rise to the Bladder-Control Gone Pose. Because these days sneezing, coughing, laughing, and running are all guaranteed ways to wind up with wet pants.
3. Holy Cow! Pose
   Cat and Cow Pose strengthens the back and pelvic area. The Holy Cow! Pose is much more useful, since it can indicate to others that your back is out—again!
4. Oh Lord, My Hip Pose
   Lord of the Fishes Pose stretches the hips and cleanses the internal organs. The Oh Lord, My Hip Pose is a much more appropriate name, since that is exactly what the over-40 crowd will be screaming.
5. Downward Face-Plant Pose
   Downward-Facing Dog Pose gently stretches and strengthens the whole body. The Downward Face-Plant gently informs the body that flat surfaces are deceptive bastards. (I practice this one often.)
6. Squatting Tiger,
   Constipated Dragon Pose
   Squatting Pose strengthens legs and ankles and relieves constipation. Squatting Tiger, Constipated Dragon Pose is the pose most often executed in the bathroom, the morning before the ceremonial taking of the stool softener.
7. Can’t Open Pose
   Half Lotus Pose is wonderful for opening the hips. Can’t Open Pose is not as wonderful, indicating the pharmacy put childproof lids on your medication again.
8. Half Colonoscopy Prep Pose
   Half-Revolved Belly Pose is good for strength and flexibility of the spine. Half Colonoscopy Prep Pose is good for tying your stomach in knots in preparation for Full Colonoscopy Pose. It’s only “half” because you’re still awake and dressed.
9. Help, I’m Reclined and I Can’t Get Up Pose
   Reclined Hero Pose stretches the thighs and groin. Help, I’m Reclined and I Can’t Get Up Pose comes directly after falls on slippery surfaces. Or nonslippery, depending on your level of klutz.
10. Are You Still Alive? Pose
    Corpse Pose is used at the end of class to allow the body to relax and process everything that’s gone before. Are You Still Alive? Pose is an attempt to get some peace and quiet the only way you can get it.

Chris Dean (aka pi xiecd) writes at PixieCD.com, where she shares acts of stupidity, life with adult offspring, and the occasional useful bit of info on life with chronic illness.