Explore Kink to Strengthen
Intimacy and Connection
BY CORINNE FARAGO
Wikipedia defines Kink as “unconventional sexual practices.” We have all fantasized or secretly desired what may be considered unconventional. It’s the beautiful nature of our erotic minds to engage with ideas that create arousal in our bodies. By teaching us to accept and share our desires, Kink fuels passion with our partners.
Couples who become sexual explorers together acknowledge and support each other’s ongoing sexual evolution. They see their partner with renewed curiosity and appreciation. They discover new ways to use their erotic minds to turn each other on. You don’t need to be excited by pain, bondage, or humiliation to be kinky. Nor do you have to visit a medieval dungeon to explore BDSM. You might prefer the more sensual world of power exchange through foot worship or a loving spanking or the smell of leather while blindfolded.
Kink is physical and psychological; it’s deep, fun, intense, and playful. From a couple’s perspective it can deepen connection, heighten pleasure, and sometimes heal pain. For instance, patterns and challenges within a relationship can be explored through role-play. Partners can agree to switch their dynamic to feel a different perspective. We learn to give and receive, to trust and surrender. Kink can open us to deeper intimacy and enable us to behold our partner with fresh eyes, creating the passion and erotic connection we long for.
Here are five ways Kink teaches us about relationships and to become better lovers:
Communication. Desire and consent.
One of the first things you learn in Kink classes is how to skillfully “negotiate a scene.” This means communicating with your partner about desires, expectations, and limits. Negotiating a scene lets a couple relax, knowing their desires and limits have been expressed. You have to talk about sex if you want better sex. The more you communicate the more natural and fun it becomes. Making plans, sharing fantasies, forming agreements, expressing desires, showing appreciation—these all start with words. The Kink community puts a premium on communication and consent skills that everyone can learn from.
Education. Sexual exploration.
Find education that appeals to your unique appetite. You may share the same erotic tastes with your partner or not. That’s okay. It’s a journey and as with any journey if you’re open to new adventures you will learn about yourself and your companions along the way. Accept your partner’s desires with an open mind. Judgment and shame can precipitously end honest sharing. Make the commitment to embrace and support each other’s erotic growth. This valuable gift we give our partner can only come from a secure and generous heart.
In the Bay Area there are endless ways of enhancing your kinky education: workshops, sex coaching, weekend adventures, conventions, retreats, public and private dungeons, sex stores, street fairs—San Francisco prides itself on being a sanctuary where sexual diversity is celebrated. Before you learn about Japanese rope ties or what style of flogger to buy, learn how to be safe and ethical in your interactions with others. There are classes for all of it.
Novelty. It’s an inside job.
Novelty is one of the key factors in heightening our sexual passion. More than loss of love it is the desire for novelty that will lead partners to stray into secret lives. An illicit affair may be the most common approach to finding novelty but the consequences are emotionally damaging. Kink offers the experience of novelty within a relationship by opening doorways into exotic aspects of ourselves. We give each other permission to step out of our day-to-day personas and explore dimensions that our partners rarely see. A dominant partner may find pleasure in relinquishing control. A submissive partner may discover their personal power by taking charge. We all share collective archetypal personas that can add variety and dimension to an erotic encounter and create the novelty that rekindles passion. You don’t need to find a new partner to be with someone new.
Presence: Are we here yet?
Clearing the mind is a welcome byproduct of Kink play. Once your wrists are gently secured or a blindfold has been placed, your thoughts narrow into the present moment. As in the experience of meditation, the mind is contentedly freed of past and future.
Play. Have we forgotten how?
“Play” is a word commonly used in the Kink community to describe erotic engagement. Kink welcomes both the light and the dark because every human being is made up of both. When we use the word play, as in meeting for a “play date” or attending a “play party,” we’re reminded of the childish enjoyment we can bring to our erotic lives. Plan your next sexual encounter from a playful perspective and don’t be afraid to bring humor into your erotic adventures. Laughter is life’s great aphrodisiac.
Kink is a physical and psychological playground of possibilities. Kink reveals our complexities and gives voice to our erotic minds. It softens our armor and ignites our desires. Talk about sex regularly. Become explorers together. Negotiate a scene so desires are clearly expressed. Educate yourselves and expand your erogenous menu. Enjoy the novelty of seeing your partner with fresh eyes, and embrace your erotic life with a curious mind and a playful heart.
Corinne Farago is a somatic sex and intimacy coach and educator in Mill Valley offering personal coaching for couples and individuals. LoveSexAndDesire.com