Dressed for Success: Kinky Salon members Justine Smith and Jared Hirsch, as their party-ready alter egos Sparkle Bottom and J-Rad. Photo by Sasha Georgeson
Every morning Justine Smith, 35, rides the bus to the landscape architecture firm where she works in Oakland. She dresses in professional work clothes and, just like everyone else taking public transportation, pretty much keeps to herself. If you rode on the bus next to Justine, you’d never know that she belongs to a relatively unknown, organization of “hedonists” in San Francisco that know her better as Sparkle Bottom — her Kinky Salon nickname.
A sex-positive community in San Francisco that embraces polysexual behavior, Kinky Salon was founded in April 2003, by Scott Levkoff and a woman known in the tribe as Polly Pandemonium. Its mission? To provide a place where people of all persuasions, tastes and proclivities could fully explore their sexuality without fear of judgment. A rare alternative to a sex club, its members consider it a bold, new social experiment created by pioneering “metamorphosexuals” inspired by Burning Man who say they are proud to be stewarding this particular amazing bunch of talented, creative, loving and conscious perverts.
Justine and her partner, Jared Hirsch, 31, (aka J-Rad) a local theatre professional, are members of the Kinky Salon tribe. They met at a Kinky Salon party last April and have been a polyamorous couple ever since.
Common Ground: Tell us about your involvement with Kinky Salon.
Justine: Kinky Salon was my introduction into the underground “play parties” and sex clubs. It’s a community that invites polysexual behavior.
Jared: Kinky Salon is a group of people who get together to share a sex-positive energy and have a safe venue to express it. It’s not a sex party, per se, but sex does happen at Kinky Salon. Some people go and talk for hours and chat about everything and don’t have sex at all. Some people go and just have sex.
CG: Would you call it a community of people with common sexual interests?
Jared: This city has a half-dozen official sex party events and about a dozen unofficial sex party events that tend to cater to common sexual interests. There are S&M dungeon parties; swinger events; Power Exchange, which is also a sex dungeon but tends to lean more to the seedy underside of it all — but that’s some peoples’ kink. Kinky Salon has really responded to the heart as opposed to the crotch. It really is more interested in promoting a community of freaks and counter-culture artists and Burning Man people and musicians and people who just categorize themselves as “other.” That’s what makes it different from the other sex clubs, and I think very specific to San Francisco. Other event planners in other cities (L.A. and New York) have had a taste of it and have tried to reproduce it with varying degrees of success. This type of club (and its success) is very San Francisco.
Justine: I think it’s a group of people who don’t want to be confined by everybody’s idea of what kind of sex and attraction is right. Here you have the freedom to express yourself in any way you want.
CG: Why is Kinky Salon very “San Francisco”?
Jared: It comes out of the ‘60s. It comes out of the commune mentality, the quest for otherness that SF has attracted for the last 40 or 50 years, if not before that. People tend to be more intellectual about it here, and they are much more interested in being responsible in their hedonism. They are much more interested in moving society forward. I don’t find that true in New York or L.A.
Justine: I have two very different sides to myself. If you want to split me down the middle, one side is a professional. I wear work clothes and I take public transportation. Then there’s the fun and creative side, and I think for most people, especially in San Francisco, the play side is very strong.
Jared: There is a strong adventurous nature to the Bay Area.
CG: By definition, are you swingers?
Jared: No. I wouldn’t describe myself as a swinger, although I’m sure that there are plenty who would, for lack of better terminology.
Justine: We were both dating other people when we met, but at some point we decided to date each other exclusively. What that means to us is if we want to be with someone else we are both present.
CG: Threesomes?
Justine: Yes. We won’t do anything without the other person there. So we act in a polyamory situation together, rather than separately.
CG: Do you ever go through periods in your relationship when it is just the two of you? Are you ever monogamous?
Jared: Sure. Most of our relationship is just the two of us.
CG: When you invite someone into your relationship, isn’t always possible that someone could fall in love with the “wrong” partner?
Jared: That’s the danger in a polyamorous relationship. But it’s a life that people choose and they choose it consciously. Love is abundant, so why do you need to confine it to one person? You can love your parents, friends, siblings, your spouses. Why not seek that out in all of its many forms?
CG: Can you describe a typical Kinky Salon event?
Jared: Kinky Salon is a theme party and there is a very hard and fast rule that you have to come in costume. This automatically requires you to be creative. You aren’t just attending the party, you’re participating in it. There is usually a cabaret aspect to each party, with singers, dancers, puppeteers, clowns, you name it. It’s very Burning Man. At the venue there are several different rooms and an outdoor patio. People are hanging out and talking. Sex usually doesn’t happen until much later (2am or so). There are varying degrees of privacy. Kinky Salon parties max out at 200, and that’s too crowded. A typical party is anywhere from 50 to100 people. Of that 100, maybe 50 of them have sex. There are baskets of condoms and lube everywhere. They [Kinky Salon] are very involved with safe sex and they have very strict rules.
CG: What are the rules?
Jared: No single men can attend without a license. You must make eye contact with the people you speak to (effort to create connection). You must ask before touching. Don’t get too intoxicated — no alcohol is sold. No edge play (knife play, cuttings). No fire play. S&M is certainly welcomed and happens. It’s called Kinky Salon for a reason.
Justine: Yeah, but I’ve never seen an orgy pile or anything like that. I’ve never seen more than maybe four or five people together. And the “voyeur” aspect of Kinky Salon is probably a lot less than it is in other places. People who are having conversations aren’t necessarily focused on the people having sex.
CG: What was your first time like?
Justine: I was new in April and I was overwhelmed.
CG: What overwhelmed you most?
Justine: The friendliness of everyone. I was afraid I was walking into a sex party and I didn’t know how I’d respond, but I walked in and met a lot of friendly people dressed in costumes. We had very casual and beautiful conversations.
CG: Were you uncomfortable the first time you had sex at a Kinky Salon party?
Justine: No. I met Jared on my first night there and we ended up having sex, but again, it felt comfortable. I felt like I was in an intimate space.
Jared: There’s a respect and a safety at Kinky Salon.
Justine: I’m happier here than I have been anywhere else.
Jared: We demonize sex in this culture. There needs to be a slow, gradual shift away from that. You can’t force it on anybody and I don’t want to force it on anybody. I have never been good at repressing myself, and I’ve had a hard time being accepted for it. People show up [at Kinky Salon] and suddenly realize they aren’t alone.
Justine: I had the same experience at Burning Man. It definitely led me into this direction. Burning Man and embracing a life of hedonism is a transformational experience for a lot of people, especially in the Bay Area. People have made the concepts of Burning Man a lifestyle. It’s not just one week at the end of August. It’s a year-long pursuit. It’s constantly preparing and constantly immersing yourself in that kind of environment.
Jared: Burning Man is so intertwined with responsible hedonism.
CG: What is responsible hedonism?
Justine: Hedonism is just an umbrella under which you can place sex. But that’s not all there is to hedonism. The dictionary defines the word, in its purest form, as “the pursuit of pleasure.” Most people think a hedonist will pursue pleasure at any cost. And that isn’t necessarily true. I decided that I would pursue sustainable [or responsible] hedonism. This is hedonism that doesn’t create drama. Hedonism isn’t about excess. It’s about pleasure. As in all things, moderation is usually what makes things sustainable. You have to find that balance.
CG: So why are you a hedonist?
Justine: I just think that life is such a gift and the experiences that are available to us are so amazing. When we [as a culture] have had our basic needs fulfilled, what’s next? Where do we go from here? How do we reach higher levels? It’s very human to want more. I just think it’s really amazing to be alive and my hedonism is just about taking advantage of that.
Kinky Salon is located at kinkysalon.tribe.net
Caroline Casper is a writer and a member of the Common Ground staff.