October 2006
John Gray’s Next Chapter
The bestselling author and teacher turns the page on mind-body healing
By Bob Condor
Men may be from Mars and women from Venus, but there is a big part of John Gray that is solidly rooted on Earth.
“I’m still a teacher,” insisted Gray one recent early afternoon, taking a break from his book deadline. “That will always be me.”
Gray first captivated American readers with his Mars and Venus symbolism, which he used to emphasize psychological differences between male and female. His practical suggestions for navigating those gaps sold 30 million copies in 40 languages during the 1990s. The upcoming sequel, When Mars and Venus Collide: Winning the New War of the Sexes, applies that same practicality to our physiology, focusing on the mind-body consequences of brain chemicals and body hormones such as serotonin, dopamine, testosterone, oxytocin and cortisol.
Gray’s research, book deadline or not, is ongoing. He appears determined to find answers that will help all of us reckon with a new order of relationships. To that end, he’s conducting regular weekend and five-day workshops at his ranch in Mendocino County on California’s northern coast. He says he doesn’t see the events as moneymakers, but “experiments for the future.”
“Testosterone-producing activities used to be the domain of men,” said Gray on a Friday night beginning one of the weekends. “But now women are involved in testosterone activities all day long that are competitive, goal-oriented and pressurized. When a woman comes home from work, she is expecting a wife.”
Instead, what tends to be the case is the husband is at home anticipating the same wifely response. Something’s got to give — and often does.
“Listening is about oxytocin [a primary female sexual hormone],” Gray explains. “When we solve a problem, we use testosterone. When empathizing with someone’s problem, we make oxytocin.
“So when a woman is saying, ‘Oh, my God, everything has gone wrong,’ what is the guy doing? He is trying to solve her problems, exactly what she doesn’t need. He’s making testosterone.”
Heads are nodding around the room, which is filled with a somewhat equal number of couples and singles, or single partners without their significant others. There are smiles of recognition.
Gray explains the typical Mars non-listening response in men not as a genetic flaw, but a shortage of the brain chemical dopamine. He says it makes guys naturally restless and short on attention.
“Here’s the Zen approach to solving problems,” says Gray. “I do it all the time with my wife [Bonnie]. I listen to her problems, then I say, ‘Honey, you do so much for so many people. Let me give you a hug.’”
The 90-10 ratio
Gray’s take on male-female relationships is simple enough: “All that a woman has the power to do for a man is get him from 90 percent to 100 percent feeling great, or vice versa a man for a woman,” explains Gray. “Well, at the beginning of romance, a new lover can get you from near zero to great. You might even have about three years of what I call ‘free hormones.’ Then the woman has to get herself to the 90 percent mark. Same for a man.”
One practical suggestion he offers women on how to boost toward 90 percent, or beyond, is a daily affirmation to use as a stressbuster.
“Ask yourself, ‘What do I have?’ says Gray. “Then ask yourself, ‘What do I have?’ And then again, ‘What do I have?’”
He also thinks women benefit from interaction with other women. “Women need a tribe,” he asserts. “They need to seek out a community of other women who meet every week.”
He appraises guys as basically romantics of sorts who want to make a woman happy. Feeling successful drives them, which can translate to pleasing a woman in more ways than the bedroom — though he views sex as a terrific way to balance hormones and brain chemicals.
The brain also thrives on oxygen, as do our lungs and blood cells, and Gray is concerned we’re not getting what we need. At his Mendocino ranch, he’s established a number of oxygenated water therapies, including a type of oxygen water that he plans to bottle and sell.
“I am aiming to provide water the way it used to be on our planet [before pollutants],” says Gray. He offers as proof of its health-giving qualites that, “You can be in our oxygenated hot tub for an hour and not have your skin pucker up. The body doesn’t dehydrate.”
“Hydrotherapy is a lost healing art,” says Gray. “Think about it. Before 1900 we had no heart disease, cancer, diabetes and obesity. When people were ill in those past times, they took to the waters for several hours each day. [Current] remedies don’t include taking to the waters,” he notes, adding, “I hope to change that.”
The Chemistry of Stress
Cortisol is the hormone produced in our bodies when we are at high stress levels. Gray explains that most of us are bathing in high cortisol levels that “don’t go back down.” Gray’s goal for his workshop participants is to help them “reset stress levels back to when we were children.” He urges people to consider brain chemistry as a stressbusting proposition.
“Stress has a cumulative effect,” explains Gray. Research shows stress is highest in our lives when we feel a lack of control in situations. In turn, “We end up reacting beyond our control,” he observes. “We lose touch with patience and being flexible.”
Studies show that the brain chemicals dopamine and serotonin can play vital roles in calming our psyches. Dopamine fuels the brain and increases when we are stimulated by new and different experiences. Serotonin boosts our mood; when you are low on serotonin, you inevitably feel overwhelmed.
In his years of exploring gender behavior, Gray has determined that although meditation and affirmations restore a sense of personal strength and connection, diet and exercise also can help reset our stress levels through balancing dopamine and serotonin in the body. He’s gone so far as to create a line of personally formulated supplements and shake mixes. Gray wanted to provide healthful and handy alternatives to processed foods and produce grown with pesticides, which rob us of important nutrients (particularly minerals formerly abundant in soil) while burdening our bodies with chemicals.
“The brain needs protein, specifically amino acids such as tryptophan, to make serotonin,” says Gray. “What you eat in the first few waking hours is what makes most of your serotonin for the whole day. I routinely urge people to eat a bigger breakfast with proteins.”
Gray encourages people to make their own shake mixtures with ingredients such as whey protein, omega-3 healthy fats and B vitamins. He talks significantly more about eating habits than his own brand of shakes or supplements, and invariably mentions the downside of sugar.
“Too much sugar wipes out your B vitamins [and leaves you vulnerable to increased cortisol and stress],” maintains Gray. “You want to eat less refined sugar, along with knocking out hydrogenated or trans fats, preservatives and artificial sweeteners. You want to eat more whole foods. It helps your relationships and gets you to a nutritional peak of consciousness.”
If, as Gray says, we can resolve at least part of the relationship roller coaster with some simple dietary adjustments, Mars and Venus will be one step closer to creating heaven on Earth.
Bob Condor is the editor of Seattle Conscious Choice.
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